My Miscarriage Turned Redemption : The puzzle finally fitting together

If you’re reading this, my guess is that you have walked this painful road before. First off, let me sincerely say how broken I am for you mama. Your story matters and I would LOVE nothing more to sit at a cozy coffee shop with you over a box of tissues and hear every detail you want to share. Second off, don’t you dare believe even one single lie of the enemy, you did nothing wrong, and your baby is safe with Jesus until you are home in Glory to take over.

If you’ve not walked this road, first of all, thank you for taking time to read this. I know you understand to some level the pain we’ve walked through. I thank you also for doing all that you can to love on a bereaved mama and support her. She is a shell of herself, and needs unlimited patience for the unforeseen future. She will break down over everything, even months from now. Maybe even years. Keep checking in on her to ensure she’s taken care of as she gets back to the everyday things of life.

I wrestled with sharing this story, I know there are plenty out there. But I am fighting the lies of the enemy as well, and obeying the Lord in sharing this. The Lord will use this story for His glory, and that’s my whole purpose behind starting this blog!

The Backstory

To start this story, we go back to June 2024. At this time, my husband and I were pretty much on the same page that we were done having babies, the Lord had blessed is with a boy and a girl, and we had a good groove going on taking care of them. Sure there was a part of me (the younger me who wanted 5 kids) that would have loved to have just one more but I was content and knew I could be satisfied in these two biological kiddos, and enjoying being a second mama/auntie to their friends. One afternoon while I was going through some scripture cards, Jeremiah 29:11 jumped out at me. A familiar verse, but with a new weight to it.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'” – Jeremiah 29:11

This time, I felt the weight of this promise. I thought it was in reference to our finances. That we would finally have the breakthrough and stop driving that struggle bus! I praised the Lord and hand wrote that promise, stuck it were I would be sure to see it every day, all day and could rejoice each time I read it!

The Positive Test

About a month later, I would realize that verse was not brought to me about my finances. Instead, it would be for the second faint pink line staring at me. “No no no, it couldn’t be? Wait, I forgot to check right after so this could be false, that was HOURS ago. I will just retest” I thought to myself after work one day.

The joy and fear that filled me, but also the denial. I knew my husband would not be happy, at least not right away. He had been adamant that he didn’t want any more kiddos. How was I going to tell him? After retaking the test to be sure, and watching like a hawk those anxious 2 minutes, that second line showed right back up. I was so nervous to tell him.

When we were all home, cooking dinner, I told my husband, and it went a little something like this:
Me: Hey so I think I might be pregnant?
Him: You’re what? No I don’t think so.
Me: Well I’m a little late and I have a faint positive test.
Him: (looks at test) Nah I only see one line. You’ll start soon.
Me: Ok…

It would take a digital test to convince my husband that I was indeed pregnant, but he remained angry. Time would be the only thing that could bring him to the joy I was feeling. Or so I thought. Rather, it was his encounter with Holy Spirit one weekend in August where he finally felt peace and was accepting of this blessing. He came home with a renewed mind and let me just say, I had to praise the Lord big time!!

The Nightmare

*Enter trigger warning. Details of discovering an active miscarriage*

A month later, I would find what no expecting mother wants to see. That little bit of red in my underwear. I hurried my business, grabbed my husband to another room (we we at my parents) and whispered to him my findings. He tried assuring me it would be fine and lets just keep an eye on things (I’m telling you, this man is the most patient human I have ever met, no chaos mode until absolutely necessary!).

That was a Sunday evening, all day Monday I obsessively watched for any more signs, and didn’t see anything. I was starting to feel ok, until that evening when there was a glob. I was at church for a moms meeting and ran to the coorfinator. She agreed it was time to go to the hospital. Friends helped gather my things, prayed over me and my womb, and drove me to my husband, then to the hospital.

*End trigger warning*

The Results

The hospital was packed, people had been waiting for 8-9 hours already. I will forever be grateful that they went ahead and pulled us into a room and gave us the results.

Fetal Demise.

Baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. In a moment, everything stopped. Collapsed. I couldn’t breathe. I had already seen its heartbeat and thought everything was fine. In that moment, I looked at my devastated husband and back to the ceiling. I whispered… “God is still good.” It was the only logical thing I could muster. I felt my husband wrap his arms around me and his body shaking from the hurt he too felt.

The After Loss Processing

That entire week following was such a blur. My living babies barley saw us between doctor visits and dealing with the physical tole I was enduring. I cried and grieved and simply could not think straight. Forever grateful will I be for my mom friends who made sure that I was ok, helped me keep my house running, and brought meals.

For the months after, I spent in a haze, depressed and feeling so alone. I remember walking through Target one day and coming by the baby/maternity section and having to get away fast because I felt the grief swelling up once again. Before I knew it I realized my phone was to my face hearing the familiar, soothing voice of my husband.

“It’s happening again, I can’t take it anymore! I should be walking these aisles looking for maternity clothes and baby stuff. But I don’t need any of it. Why is this happening to us?” I sobbed to him. He didn’t have answers for me, but patiently listened as I walked through yet another of these moments.

The beginning of Healing

Months would pass before I could finally feel somewhat healed of this heartbreak. The best advice for this process, is honestly to just keep pressing into the Lord. More tips on this might make its own post someday.

Walking in a numb state can be just exhausting in an of itself. I went back to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11 often, and would beg God to give me this clear picture of how this was going to be used for His good (Romans 8:28).

January 2025, I went to serve a weekend encounter. It was there, face down worshipping that I finally heard from the Lord. He told me to be patient and that I would have another baby at some point in the year. I sobbed yet again, but this time it was joy.

My husband was serving one encounter weekend and heard the opposite, that our family was complete just as is. I still felt peace. We decided that we would be done after all and just be content with the life we had. Talks began of permanent birth control and it finally felt like life was getting back to somewhat normal. Until I realized, my period was a little later than usual….

The Next Positive

Around my son’s birthday in August, I noticed that expected monthly visitor, was late. Two days. Which, was not uncommon after my loss – before loss my tracking app was pretty spot on for predicted starting day. So as I typically would, I took a test one morning while getting ready for the day. To my surprise, there was indeed that faint second line again. I ran out of the bedroom still in my towel, held up the test and said to my husband “God is still good right?”

I think he initially thought it was negative but when he took it from me, he realized what was happening… again. At first, he was not thrilled (he also was on his way out of the house to get to a work meeting so to be fair I caught him off guard in a big way!). He was going to need time again, I knew, and time he would get. But I would not let it be months again of stewing over something we couldn’t change.

So that night, I made him talk out things with me. What his fears were and tried my best to reassure him that our Good Father would not give us this blessing if a way was not going to be made.

After about a week, he was in a better head space and let us begin telling our family and friends. Certainly a mix of reactions, but overall, we were met with sweet encouragement!

The Fear that tried to creep back in

If you are blessed to have carried a rainbow baby, you know the constant wonder in the back of your mind. Is my baby ok? Being anxious while waiting until the next appointment so you can hear that heartbeat again. Or even purchasing your own doppler, which of course doesn’t always help.

Even though I said I trusted the Lord with this pregnancy, no matter what, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to being in fear. I prayed and begged to let the fear be gone and to be able to fully trust. Once I hit certain milestones, I finally was able to rest more easily. But it still haunts me that I fell into that fear mentality.

Granted, some of it is valid. Some of it is just plain natural. However, we cannot let that fear dictate and take away from the joy of this new life. The best way to navigate is, as always, pressing into God. Have honest conversation about your fear with Him. Right smack in the middle of it too. Ask Holy Spirit to confirm that everything is ok. And don’t be afraid to call your doctor or midwife. They would much rather you call for reassurance than stay in that negative mindspace!

The Redemption

While writing this, I am just shy of my third trimester. However, the Lord in all His sweetness has shown me little things to affirm me. He brought me back to Jeremiah 29:11. Reminding me of the prosperity of my story and the goodness that is to come.

Now with each kick, stretched ligament, and super annoying side effect, I praise God. I thank him for the reminder that my baby is ok and will be earth side, breathing and compatible with life. That I will get to be his mama right here.

Yes, there are still moments I grieve my angel baby. Yes, there are moments I wish things worked out differently. There aren’t many circumstances that I don’t think of that baby and become a little sad and wonder “what if”.

But yes, I am so over the moon happy and blessed to walk this journey again. Yes, both my husband and I are thrilled to welcome another sweet little boy to our crazy bunch. Yes, I pray that if you desire another baby that the Lord will grant that to you in His timing and His way.

Be blessed my friend,

xoxo – Alisa